I estimate that in my lifetime, I've started and abandoned over one hundred written pieces, seventy-five attempts at art, ten knitting projects, four crochet projects, one quilting project, two blogs (this one is still going, yay me!). I've read close to a hundred books on improving my art and even more books on writing.
Depression is a bitch, isn't it? So is low self-esteem. What I find to be even more insidious, however, is ego. It's the biggest monster of all the monsters that eat your work.
Ego is the part of you that says, "If ony I could write the right fanfic, I could be the next E.L. James. She writes crap, and got published! Why can't I get published? I actually write well. Well, when I write at all."
That's the thing. You (and I) might be technically better at craft, storytelling, wording (if I had read one more comment about Ana's 'inner goddess', I swore that I would strangle them both with Christian Grey's bondage ropes) but if you (and I) aren't writing, nothing's getting done. E.L. James and countless other writers--whether or not we agree that their work deserves to be published--WRITE. They get the words down and out of their brains and onto the page.
I've often said during those times where I didn't feel like writing "I wish there was a machine that could magically pull the story out of my head and onto the paper while I do something more fun*!", especially on days where I was writing something at another's behest. As I've said before, it doesn't work that way.
So what are some of the things that have held me back? Well...
1. Comparing myself to others.
A while back, I had a "Hannibal" (the tv series) crossover with "Morrowind" (the third in the Elder Scrolls game series). it got some initial good tractions and comments over on an Archive of Our Own and the occasional nice remark on Tumblr then...nothing. I was still determined to keep it going, until I read some incredible fics from other fannibals (Hannibal fans) that appealed to a more mainstream group. Fine. I kept going anyway, because of course something more mainstream in the fandom will have more comments and kudos and readers.
Then I started reading a truly amazing fanfic set in the same universe, but not following a specific storyline in the games, like mine did. The author had only started hers a month or so before mine, but she already had hundreds of readers and dozens of comments, compared to my 15 readers and five comments.
This may seem to fly in the face of my example of E.L.James, but hear me out. I may not agree that she tells a great story (I'm not bashing sex and romance or BDSM here, so don't even go there) or is a good writer, but I can agree that her story resonates with a greater amount of readers. I know, objectively, that my writing is good. Not perfect, but good. My story in the example simply didn't resonate with as many readers.
Lesson Learned: Don't compare yourself to others. Just do you. Some days will be easier for this than others. Keep doing you.
2. Putting other things ahead of art and writing
I'm a lazy bitch. There, I admitted it! Now, please excuse me while I batten down the hatches against the hordes of SJW's asking me to never, ever use that word. Seriously, though, I am. As much as I love being creative, I recognize that currently in my life that is 2/3's working (nine hour days) and sleeping (eight hours or so a night) I have to cram a whole ton of Other Stuff into my life. Eating. Cleaning. Watching cat videos. Watching Nostalgia Critic, Angry Video Game Nerd, and Markiplier. Basic hygeine. Fantasizing about Mads Mikkelsen and/or Devo circa 1978. Arguing with people on the internet. Gaming (Fallout and Elder Scrolls and WoW, oh my!) Writing. Art. All Super Very Ultra Important Stuff, I tell you.
Being creative with any outlet requires work and effort. Gaming does not. In my brain, work is unfortunately synonymous with "The thing that I hate doing all day but it keeps the rent paid, the cat fed, the internet going, and supplies purchased." and since art and writing also require--shudder--work, my brain seems to have lumped them into the "Not fun even though I love doing them" category.
How can I possibly resist this furball? I can't. Resistance is futile.
I need to get out of that mindset. So do you, if you want to continue being creative.
3. Not making time and prioritizing
Looking at the list of things that I do daily or almost daily, you might conclude that Sheila is a Very Busy Girl and Has No Time for Being Creative. I often do. In truth, however, this falls under the category of Making Excuses.
Being creative can be scary (especially if you've ever watched 'Don't Hug Me, I'm Scared') and things like doing the laundry, watching videos, and thinking about Mads (even when he's Hannibal) generally are not scary things. They're relatively safe. Humans by nature are risk avoidant. A lot of creative sorts have very thick skins. They flip off rude criticism like it's nothing and can handle their work being ignored. I'm not one of those. I think I'd rather walk naked into a pit of hungry tigers than have my work be ignored, and the fact that I'd be more scared of being naked in front of strangers than potentially eaten by tigers should tell you something else about me.
What holds you back? How do you handle these three monsters that love to eat creativity?
*By fun, I mean "Something that distracts me from the scary writing and art I need and want to do."
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